Who I've Become
by Lozza the Lolly
Summary: "It seems like all she can ever do is run". Oneshot. Serena-centric, mentions of Serena/Nate and Serena/Blair friendship. Post 5x24.


She doesn't know where she's going; she just knows she has to leave. There's nothing left for her here, nobody who cares enough to miss her. She's lost everything.

She tries to pinpoint the exact moment things started spiraling out of control. She can't. Maybe it was when she lost her job. Maybe it was when Dan fell for Blair. Maybe it was somewhere along the string of short-lived relationships which all turned sour. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is that her life is broken beyond repair now, crashing down around her. She's tried everything to gain control again: becoming gossip girl, taking down Blair and taking back Dan (she wonders if she even had real feelings for Dan this time around, or if she just thought she did because he was a piece of high school, that time when everything was good in her life). But none of it has worked. If anything, it's just made everything worse.

So now she kills the pain the best, and only, way she knows how- drugs and alcohol and a different warm body every night. It's funny how the past five years may as well have never happened. Here she is, in the same position again. It seems like all she can ever do is run.

…

She never stays in one place for very long. It's a new country every week, a new hotel, a different party every night. Occasionally she meets some guy at the bar and passes the night sweating and panting and clutching at a strong, sturdy back as a million tiny stars erupt behind her eyelids. Other nights she goes home alone. Those are the nights when she either cries herself to sleep or injects drugs into her bloodstream until she passes out.

Every day is the same. She spends the nights swaying and drinking under fluorescent lights, and the days hiding under the covers in a dimly lit hotel room. Trying to block out the throbbing hangover which feels like thousands of fireworks going off inside her head, blinding her from behind her eyes, drumming hard and harsh against her skull as they ricochet off in ten different directions. Drinking even more just to give herself the strength to keep going.

She moves through the motions like a robot, drugs dulling her senses, leaving her numb. Just as she wants it.

…

Sometimes the loneliness overcomes her. The one-night stands she brings back to her hotel rooms are fun and wild and give her a feel-good buzz for a little while, but it always fades in time. And the thing about one-night flings is that they're just that. Flings. They're never very good at talking. Most of them don't even speak English.

She pictures their faces from time to time. Blair barking at her to get out, Dan coldly declaring that he never has to see her again. She drowns their voices out by inhaling dubious substances and downing the drinks bought for her by various suitors. It's no use thinking of home. There's nothing and nobody left for her there. Her mother's too wrapped up in her own problems; her father probably never cared about her to begin with. Dorota was always kind to her, but her loyalty lies with Blair. She's alone now and she may as well start getting used to it.

One night, though, as she lies alone with only the sound of the hotel's air conditioning and the buzz of chatter drifting up to her window to keep her company, she pictures another face. Nate. The only one who never let her down; never gave up on her. He took gossip girl from her, but in his mind he was helping her (she wonders if he'll ever know how much she needed that site- if anyone will).

"You can count on me always," he said once. She could use someone to count on right about now.

…

She returns to the city after months of absence, feeling more optimistic than she has in a long time. She just hopes she doesn't run into anyone else while she's here.

By the time she begins to approach Nate and Chuck's she's having second thoughts. There's a gnawing in the pit of her stomach and she doesn't know if it's guilt or nerves or something else entirely. All of a sudden she's remembering why running seemed so appealing in the first place. It was the easy way out. She hangs nervously outside the Empire, putting off the thing that's gradually seeming more and more like a terrible mistake.

Chuck passes her on his way out. He all but ignores her. She wonders if he hates her now too. Maybe he's just too busy caring about himself.

She's been waiting a while longer and is about to turn back, catch a train back to wherever, when she sees Nate exit the building and her heart swells. She's so grateful for his presence, the presence of someone who doesn't despise her, that all of her nerves dissolve almost instantly.

He hasn't seen her. He looks like he's waiting for someone. She knows he can't have known about her return, but for a moment she entertains herself with the idea that he's waiting for _her_. She starts towards him, beaming.

Her smile fades as she follows his shifting gaze and sees the person he was really waiting for. She wasn't the only one returning today, it seems.

_Lola. _Her cousin, or half sister, or whatever she is. The girl who took her spotlight, took her father, took gossip girl away from her- and she's sure her intentions weren't so well meaning as Nate's- and the girl who Nate's greeting with a smile and a kiss now. The girl who's taken everything Serena once had and kept it for herself. The girl who's replaced her.

She'd forgotten about Lola.

And she's running, and she can't see anything around her clearly because her eyes are blurring with tears, and all she knows is that she has to get out, get out of the city, get out of the country. She doesn't know why she thought coming back was a good idea, but now she just wants to pretend none of this ever happened.

…

It's not quite that easy, it turns out. She tries to block it out, but she can't run forever from the images running through her mind of Lola's face, Lola's face in magazines, on gossip girl, eating lunch with her father, spending the night with Nate. She's probably Blair's new best friend by now. The pictures swarm through her mind like wasps angered by a disturbance to their nest.

Bitterly, she reflects that Lola would be nowhere without her help. If she really thinks she has what it takes to be like Serena van der Woodsen, _the _Serena van der Woodsen, then she couldn't be more wrong. Serena proves this to herself by using her natural charm, that effortless laugh and the toss of that gleaming golden hair, to make boys fall over her left and right, all over the world. She'll never be replaced; she won't let it happen if it's the last thing she does. _She's_ the _original_ it girl, and _nobody _can take that away from her, especially not some wannabe actress from Florida.

…

Eventually she settles back into her routine. She loses count of the nights when she's carried out of a club because she can't stand, the days when she's asked to leave some park because she's wasted and disturbing people who are trying to enjoy the peace and quiet, thank you very much. She's the untamed party animal wreaking havoc on the world, the girl with her heels in her hand and her head in the clouds.

She's almost forgotten how it feels to be sober. She wonders how she managed to stay that way for most of five years. But there are some days, few enough to count on one hand, when the amount of alcohol she's consumed is minimal, when her head is just about clear enough for her to think straight. It's on one of these days, a sunny one she's spending in Barcelona, that she runs into Vanessa Abrams.

It's been so long since she's seen a familiar face, let alone that of Vanessa, who's been gone from the UES a year longer than she has, that she starts. Vanessa looks surprised too, as well as… guilty?

"Serena! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, I've been…getting around," she stumbles slightly and bends down to slip off her shoe.

Vanessa's eyebrows knit in concern. "Are you-?" She decides to drop it, "Look Serena, I know you probably don't even want to look at me right now, or ever again, but I want you to know that I'm really, truly sorry for what I did to you. I know I never really told you that but I honestly am." And she's looking at Serena with apologetic eyes and it's been so _long _since anyone's shown her kindness and, if she's perfectly honest with herself, she likes having power over someone again. So she grabs Vanessa by the wrist and drags her off to shop with her, an unspoken act of forgiveness, an offer of friendship.

…

She stays in Barcelona after that, abandoning the hotels and moving in with Vanessa. She turns out to be a pretty good friend, and she's in the same boat as Serena. Nobody wants her around on the UES either. She tells Serena what Dan said to her before she left, about his life being better before she climbed up his fire escape all those years ago, and it reminds her of what Blair said to her- "the best time I ever had was when you were gone six years ago". They've both lost their best friends. Vanessa enfolds her in a bear hug and says they'll be each other's best friends from now on. She's not Blair, but her arms feel warm and safe and Serena's tired of being alone, so she returns the hug.

It feels good to have a best friend again. Vanessa picks her up from parties and takes care of her when she has a bad hangover. She finds herself going out less now that the alternative isn't just wasting away in an empty hotel room. They stay up until the early hours of the morning sometimes, talking about everything they've both been keeping bottled up for too long.

Vanessa's working as a photographer/filmmaker. Serena models or acts for her sometimes, her natural elegance and poise making her perfect for the job. The spotlight is on her again and she feels like the old Serena- ethereal and untouchable, a star so bright the sun is jealous of her and the moon reflects _her _light. The centre of attention.

She starts relying less on drinks and drugs, and goes days and sometimes whole weeks without getting wasted. It's not much, but it's something.

Things are finally looking up.

…

It's a sparkling white Christmas when Jenny comes to visit. Vanessa seems to have made peace with at least her since leaving New York. She's another outcast, another recluse with nowhere else to go and nobody else to spend the holidays with. The three of them could probably start a club.

Jenny looks different. The heavy make up and hair bleach are gone, and she looks almost like the fourteen-year-old girl Serena met so long ago. She seems almost scared of what Serena will say to her, and her eyes look so vulnerable when they're not rimmed with copious amounts of eyeliner that she can't help but forget about all the things she's done to her. Besides, she could use all the friends she can get.

It's a Christmas filled with laughter and reinstated friendships and Serena stays sober for almost the entire holiday, but it still feels empty. She misses her family, crazy as they are, and she misses Blair even after all the things they said to each other. She misses Nate too. She wonders if he's spending his holiday with Lola.

…

They're packing up the Christmas decorations when they get a visitor.

"Run away again, I see," greets Eric.

It turns out Jenny's been keeping contact with him and has informed him of Serena's whereabouts. He'd gone to the city to spend Christmas with the family and had been taken aback to find that his sister was gone.

"Finding out my cousin was a fake cousin and my real one is also my half-sister was a little surprising too," he adds, grinning.

Serena's stomach drops at the mention of Lola. "So…is she still…dating Nate?" The thought makes her feel slightly nauseous.

"They dated?" He sounds surprised. She doesn't know why that makes her feel suddenly elated. "Wait… why do you care anyway?" He raises his eyebrows.

She turns away to hide her blush.

She hadn't realised how much she's missed her brother. Here is someone who was truly there for her through everything, even during that Juliet ordeal when nobody else believed her. She wishes she could say she's done the same for him. Her stomach churns with guilt when she thinks of the last time she ran away.

…

Eric makes her go to rehab. He says it's time she sobered up again, and it'll be easier with professional help. She pouts and tries her best puppy dog eyes on him, but he's not having any of it.

"It's not so bad, I promise," he attempts to reassure her.

"Oh, this coming from the guy who broke out of the Ostroff Centre with Blair!" Her heart drops as she thinks of Blair and she wishes she hadn't said anything.

"Okay, fine, it's _horrifyingly _boring, but it'll be worth it in the end, I promise." She's not convinced. "Come on!" And without further ado he drags her inside.

…

Vanessa's put in charge of making sure she keeps it up. She visits as often as she can and keeps her company. Jenny and Eric visit too during the holidays, and yes, it's boring, but at least this time around she actually needs to be here. That thought makes it more bearable than that awful year when Juliet manipulated everyone into believing she'd fallen off the wagon (although she wishes she could blame Juliet for the way she screwed everyone over this time). Plus she'd rather be stuck here with friends surrounding her than alone in a hotel room with only an occasional one-night stand to warm the other side of the bed. And she _definitely _doesn't miss the hangovers.

Eventually she's released, and her life starts to make more sense now that she's sober. It's quiet and peaceful and everything it wasn't on the UES, but that doesn't stop the aching homesickness that plagues her every night. The days are lovely and peaceful though, and she's probably happier here than she would be there anyway.

It's most likely true, but she can't quite persuade herself.

…

About halfway through the summer, Vanessa goes on a trip to film some stuff for her latest movie. She asks Serena to come with her and star in it, but she declines. If she can muster up the courage, she's going to use this opportunity to take her own trip.

On the outside, the UES doesn't look any different, really. She could almost convince herself she never left. But she knows so much must have changed.

What she does know, she's heard from Eric during his visits. The last time he was in the city, Blair was back together with Chuck (he had looked somewhat concerned at this point, and Serena had wondered for the first time if maybe Chuck wasn't so good for Blair after all), Dan was still moping about it- she was surprised to find she didn't care anymore- Lola had started dating Ivy (that one had staggered her) and their mother was working on mending her relationship with Rufus, though not very successfully. Then again, Eric's last visit was a while ago.

She decides to start with someone easy. Her mother looks pleased to see her, if somewhat preoccupied.

"Serena, darling! It's good to see you," she exclaims, hugging her briefly, "how are you? Everyone was so worried!"

"I'm fine," she says, wondering who 'everyone' is.

"Well that's wonderful. I'd love to chat but I'm a little…busy…right now. Why don't you go and catch up with Blair?"

That doesn't sound like such a good idea to Serena. Still, if her mother's suggesting she goes to see her, she can't be _that _mad…can she?

…

"Hey." She smiles weakly, hoping desperately that everything will be okay.

It takes everything she has to stop herself from flinching as Blair opens her mouth. She's sure she's in for the verbal beating of a lifetime. She casts her eyes downwards.

"I missed you."

Flabbergasted, she looks up to see Blair smiling back at her. Then her smile drops and she's the one staring at the floor.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so harsh. Of course I could never really want you gone. I just- I was upset and- when I realised you weren't coming back I regretted it immediately-"

"B, you don't need to apologise. You were right. I was way out of line."

Blair meets her gaze again. "Maybe it doesn't matter who's right. I'm just glad you're home."

And then they're hugging, and she thinks she might be crying because she's missed her so _much_. And everything seems okay again, because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of her just as long as she has her best friend back.

…

They stay up all night talking about everything. Blair seems aghast to discover her new friendship with Vanessa- "Abrams? Really?"- and she knows she should stick up for her but she can't help but laugh at her friend's disgusted tone. She's vaguely more supportive of her friendship with Jenny, though that's not saying much. Serena asks what's been happening here and immediately regrets it because she gets a scathing and incredibly detailed update on every event that's taken place since her departure, from Lily and Rufus' continuing issues (although from the sounds of it things are going better than they were, and her mother has at least divorced Bart) to Nate's latest girlfriend who lasted "all of ten minutes", something Serena is secretly relieved to hear.

It turns out Blair has broken up with Chuck, for good this time. "He was never good for me," she explains, "I just wish I'd figured that out sooner". Serena observes for the first time that her best friend has always looked distinctively happier when she was away from Chuck. She's racked with guilt when she comes to the realisation that she would have noticed this earlier had she not been so caught up in her own problems and so desperately clinging on to high school. But Blair just waves her aside when she voices this.

...

They rebuild their friendship over time. They work through their issues one by one, properly this time, because they don't want to ever fight like this again. It's not easy, but it's worth it, because they're sisters and they've been through everything together. In time, Serena moves back in and their friendship thrives, stronger than it's ever been.

It's not too long before she's Blair's maid of honour again- this time in her wedding to Dan, who she's reunited with after taking some time alone to work through the issues caused by her destructive relationship with Chuck. Serena's worried about Blair at first- considering her last wedding she wouldn't be surprised if she starts having second thoughts- but on the contrary, she seems happier than she's ever been. "I know you'd expect me to be put off marriage for life, but I guess I just know it's right this time." She's never been more proud as she watches her best friend get married for the second, and final, time.

…

The others forgive her too, in time. Her and Dan manage to put the past behind them and become friends- she thinks it's largely for Blair's benefit on both ends- she repairs her relationship with her father, she even forms a friendship with Lola. She is family, after all.

She asks Lola over lunch one day why she broke up with Nate. "You two seemed to be getting pretty close," she says, trying not to sound too bitter about it.

Lola's answer takes her by surprise. "I told him I just felt like we'd drifted apart," she tells her after finishing her mouthful, "but actually it was because I could tell he never really got over you."

She doesn't know quite what to make of that.

…

She sees Nate in person a couple of days after her conversation with Lola.

"Hey," he smiles at her, and her heart melts.

"Hey," she replies softly. They stand there for a couple of seconds before she flings her arms around him. He returns the embrace instinctively she buries her face in his neck and the smell of him brings back a thousand memories. They pull back and her breath hitches because even after all this time, he's looking at her like she hung the moon.

Then they're kissing, his lips soft and familiar against her own, and she wonders if she's loved him all along.

…

A year later, she's weighed down with wedding planning, and it's definitely stressful, but somehow it doesn't seem as hectic as it should be. She thinks it might have something to do with having Blair as her maid of honour.

Vanessa and Jenny are bridesmaids, and so is Lola, and Ivy- who's reconciled with the family now. Blair has agreed to be civil and made peace with all of them, even Vanessa. It seems strange when she thinks about the fact that all of her bridesmaids have been involved with the groom at some point, but it's not at all awkward, and she wouldn't want anybody else.

By the time the day finally comes, Blair is in overdrive. Serena tells her to relax; she should be the one worrying. And it's true, she should be. But she's never felt surer of anything in her life. She understands what Blair meant now.

"You're so lucky," her maid of honour complains as she fixes her hair for her, "you get it right the first time."

She takes a last look in the mirror before leaving her dressing room, and she wants to cry because she looks and feels like an angel. Then it's time and she can hardly contain the excitement bubbling up in the pit of her stomach.

And as her father walks her down the aisle, and she sees Eric beaming proudly at her, and her mother tearing up, Rufus smiling by her side, and Nate waiting there for her with the biggest grin she's ever seen, she realises Blair was right. She is lucky.


End file.
